The Questionnaire: Bryan Waterman

March 26, 2012

How do you get up in the morning? 

Fumbling in the dark looking for my underwear.

Do you succumb to nostalgia? 

I even court it on occasion.

Do you write long and cut, or short and backfill? 

Long and beg for extended word counts.

How do you feel about your Wikipedia entry? 

The gods of the Internet have spared me so far.

Lunch with any three people who ever lived; who do you invite? 

Walt Whitman, Emma Goldman, John Cage.

Best piece of advice you ever received? 

Take classes from good teachers, regardless of what they teach.

Disciplined or hot dog? 

Did you ever have "flying saucers" as a kid? Hot dogs split down the middle and stuffed with mashed potatoes and cheddar cheese? It's kinda like that.

Have you ever been defeated by a genre? 

Have you ever not been defeated by one?

Which classic author would you like to see kicked out of the pantheon? 

No need to start fights here.

Are you okay with blood? 

See previous answer.

Who is your imagined audience? Does it at all coincide with the real one? 

Statler and Waldorf; pretty much.

What country would you want to be exiled in? 

Somewhere with a beach and free drinks.

What's your favorite negative emotion? 

Disgust.

Is your study neat, or, like John Muir's, is your desk and floor covered in "lateral, medial, and terminal moraines"? 

Um, yeah.

What is your go-to shoe? 

Chucks.

What's your poison? 

Slow: the tiny bits of arsenic in apple seeds.

What's your problem? 

Space.

What are you so afraid of? 

Authors' questionnaires.

How long can you go without putting paw to keyboard? 

Well, there's typing and then there's writing.

Do you require a high thread count? 

Sober ones are easier to talk to.

Who reads you first? 

Me, I guess, if you want to get technical about it. 

Sexy and dangerous, or brilliant and kind? 

Is this some kind of trick question?

What character or story haunts you? 

The narrator of Leonard Cohen's "Avalanche," as sung by Nick Cave. (I think this is related to the question above about the state of my study.)

Does plot matter? 

Only if it's bad.

Does age matter? 

To what?

Do you prefer to write standing, or must you lie prone in a field of dandelions with a steno pad and a good pen? Or what? 

I'd write in a sauna if it were practical.

Who is the author you'd most like to impersonate online? 

The author of WW Norton's twitter feed.

Is there a literary community? 

In our minds, which is to say: Yes.

What's the question or questions we should have asked, had we known? What is the answer? 

Q: "Can I get a witness?" A: "Sure, why not. It's been a slow week."